My dear Jaded Clubber friends,
I cannot even being to imagine how hard it must be, especially for all of you living in the United Kingdom, watching as we surpass you in both satire and imperialism; two of your biggest exports. Please know that you will all be looked after once you have accepted your role as the 51st state of our great country. Your best days are truly ahead, and I think we all look forward to a time when you will no longer have to settle for some sort of Piers Morgan / Hobbit hybrid man crying the blues on Patrion, as a form of journalism.
See you all in line for open enrollment for health insurance.
Zachary Q. Matthews, esquire