Listening to and reviewing all 1997's Essential Mixes

Rhouses stood facing the toilet, admiring his output. A perfectly tube-like, curled, fat conger eel of a turd lay in the pan. That consistency will have been down to the three tins of Campbell’s Meatball Soup he had yesterday. Did it glitter? Was that just his imagination? Oh yes, that will have been the gold leaf-flecked Godiva luxury chocolate ice cream cone he had at the mall the previous evening. As he sauntered out of the palatial bog, he passed the flushing assistant on her way in. “Behold a master at work!” he proudly said. That reminded him, he had picked up that 1997 Essential Mix compilation from Abdul’s Tape Exchange and still hadn’t worked his way through it. Masters at Work were up next.

He put the tape in the Sanyo and pressed play, before flopping on the sofa to work his way through a box of Morrison’s Cheese Curls. Occasionally, his cheese dust covered fingers picked at his long toenails. Masters at Work’s signature blend of house, Latin rhythms, jazz, and soul sputtered through the cassette player.

Just then his missus burst in, angry as fuck:
“Subah se sofa tod rahe ho! Kya tumhaari naukri sirf remote control chalane ki hai?!”
“Ab muh band karo aur utho! Fridge ke neeche ka paani pochhna hai, aur haan, bartan bhi tum hi dhologe aaj. Main tumhaari naukrani nahi hoon, samjhe?!” he mumbled in response.
Picking up his fetid socks from the floor, she continued, “Aur yeh kya hai?! Har jagah apni chappal, kapde, aur socks chhode rehte ho… tum ghar ke husband ho ya tornado?!”

Just then, The Knowledge’s Until The Day gave way to Nu Yorican’s delightful It’s Alright.

Rhouses sat up, with some effort, and beckoned his wife over with a cheese-stained finger. “Remember Method Man? GU13? This could be our new soundtrack” His other hand rubbed his corpulent belly.

She melted more quickly than his spangly Godiva ice cream had done all over his Uniqlo bag in the late afternoon Delhi sun. Before the mix was out, they were a mess of conjoined limbs on the sofa. Rhouses remembered that Abdul’s Tape Exchange wasn’t so bad after all and he wouldn’t vote BJP next time.

Masters at Work 02-16 9/10

1. Nu Yorican Soul - Runaway [Talkin’ Loud]
2. The Chameleon - The Missile [Henry Street]
3. Giselle Jackson - Love Commandments [Waako]
4. Kenny G - Havana [Arista]
5. Roy Davies - Gabrielle [Large]
6. Groove Box - The More You Want [Nite Groove]
7. Loni Clarke - Searchin [Groove On]
8. Mutiny - See The Sunrise [Sunflower]
9. Groove Box - Cassio’s Theme [Nite Grooves]
10. Mysterious People - Love Revolution [Yoshitoshi]
11. Gigolo Supreme - After The Storm [Nervous]
12. Masters At Work - Voices [Whole]
13. Black Beatnicks - Ooohhh [Raw]
14. The Knowledge - Until The Day [Sun Tune]
15. Nu Yorican Soul - It’s Alright [Talkin Loud]
16. Roy Davies - Gabrielle [Large]
17. Kings Of Tomorrow - Ancestors [Deep Vision]
18. The Braxtons - The Boss [Atlantic]
19. Chris Cuevas - Hip Hop [Atlantic]
20. Marc Antony - Ride On The Rhythm [Atlantic]
21. Nu Yoricon Soul - Runaway [Talkin Loud]
22. Roni Size - New Forms [Talkin Loud]

The following story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental.

02-23 Nick Rowan

Nick logged onto the Cream messageboard. He was travelling up from Bristol this coming weekend to play and was looking for a restaurant recommendation from the locals. The restaurant thread, though, seemed to be filled with posts from some bellend called ‘Littleman1’ who wasn’t even posting about Liverpool restaurants.

Cactus Blue: went with Littleman Sr. Was dece.
Fung Shing, Lisle Street: went with Littleman Sr. Not as good as North China.
Del Buongustaio, Putney Bridge Road: Had the pizza sans cheese. Awful.
Enoteca, Putney High Street: Had the lasagne sans cheese. Was nice.
Zafferano: Bumped into one of Eternal. They were Littleman Sr’s, you know? KLANG!

Who was this Littleman1 idiot? His profile picture appeared to show some kind of prematurely balding turtle in spazzy glasses with an ice cream t-shirt. Still, his dad was clearly some industry player.

Recent posts:
How do I get into Oxford Brookes with predicted grades of DEE?
Zola’s legs have gone and it’s time for Chelsea to get rid!
If I never heard another Nick Rowan set again I wouldn’t be bothered. Total BSPF!

That thread stung, even though no-one had replied to it. BSPF? He searched around a bit and was shocked to learn that his tracks were being derided as Bog Standard Progressive Fodder!

Enough screen time! Nick went back to the Essential Mix he was also supposed to be delivering to Tongy that week, rage coursing through his veins. He cued up banger after banger, an eclectic set with focused mixing:

Pat Methney Group - “Falcon and the Snowman” (EMI)
Roxy Breaks - “Apache Rock” (303)
Roxy Breaks - “Acid Rock” (303)
Basco - “Rock Da Funky Beat” (Concrete)
Guitar Inc - “Funky Dancer” (Drizzly)
Nick Holder - “Paradise” (NRK)
Wax - “Café Del Mar” (Dig It)
Eric B & Rakim - “Let The Rhythm Hit Em” (MCA)
D.Ream - “Unforgiven” (East West)
Daft Punk - “All Around The World” (white label)
This Mortal Coil - “Song To The Siren” ($AD)
Chicane - “Offshore” (Modena)
Awex - “360” (Plastic City)
Metro Dade - “Tainted Clubnight” (Music Man)
Mikerogenics - “Sctattenumund” (Global Ambition)
Do oing - “Good Feeling” (Braniak)
Isac Tomita - “The Planets” (RCA)
L.S.G. - “Netherworld” (Hooj)
George Alcosta - “Turn It Up DJ” (Strictly Rhythm)
Section X - “Atlantis” (Perfecto)
Millenium - “Radio Freedom” (Monster Sound)
Empizion - “B.E.T.A.” (XL)
Canny - “Take Me UP” (Write)
Disco Citizens - “Footprint” (acetate)
L.S.G. - “Hidden Sun Of Venus” (Platipus)
Cruzeman - “Ottm Sessions” (Quad)
Judicial Weight - “Whole Island” (Resolve)

By the time he was finished, he had delivered one of the sets of his life, all sparked by the comments of some gormless giraffe-looking moron on an internet message board. The download link plopped in Tongy’s inbox. Tongy loved it so much that he refrained from saying ’You’re listening to the Essential Mix’ over every single track, restricting himself to once every half an hour!

“This is so good, I’m going to recommend you to JB for a Cream residency! I know Oakey will be on board!” Tongy wrote through AOL Messenger, this being 1997.

Nick was so chuffed and confident in his abilities that he wasn’t even bothered now that Liverpool didn’t seem to have any proper restaurants. He would swerve the salt and pepper box that weekend and learned how to make a top-notch moussaka in the serviced apartment he had been put in near the docks.

ALL WAS WELL 8.5/10