The following story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental.

02-23 Nick Rowan

Nick logged onto the Cream messageboard. He was travelling up from Bristol this coming weekend to play and was looking for a restaurant recommendation from the locals. The restaurant thread, though, seemed to be filled with posts from some bellend called ‘Littleman1’ who wasn’t even posting about Liverpool restaurants.

Cactus Blue: went with Littleman Sr. Was dece.
Fung Shing, Lisle Street: went with Littleman Sr. Not as good as North China.
Del Buongustaio, Putney Bridge Road: Had the pizza sans cheese. Awful.
Enoteca, Putney High Street: Had the lasagne sans cheese. Was nice.
Zafferano: Bumped into one of Eternal. They were Littleman Sr’s, you know? KLANG!

Who was this Littleman1 idiot? His profile picture appeared to show some kind of prematurely balding turtle in spazzy glasses with an ice cream t-shirt. Still, his dad was clearly some industry player.

Recent posts:
How do I get into Oxford Brookes with predicted grades of DEE?
Zola’s legs have gone and it’s time for Chelsea to get rid!
If I never heard another Nick Rowan set again I wouldn’t be bothered. Total BSPF!

That thread stung, even though no-one had replied to it. BSPF? He searched around a bit and was shocked to learn that his tracks were being derided as Bog Standard Progressive Fodder!

Enough screen time! Nick went back to the Essential Mix he was also supposed to be delivering to Tongy that week, rage coursing through his veins. He cued up banger after banger, an eclectic set with focused mixing:

Pat Methney Group - “Falcon and the Snowman” (EMI)
Roxy Breaks - “Apache Rock” (303)
Roxy Breaks - “Acid Rock” (303)
Basco - “Rock Da Funky Beat” (Concrete)
Guitar Inc - “Funky Dancer” (Drizzly)
Nick Holder - “Paradise” (NRK)
Wax - “Café Del Mar” (Dig It)
Eric B & Rakim - “Let The Rhythm Hit Em” (MCA)
D.Ream - “Unforgiven” (East West)
Daft Punk - “All Around The World” (white label)
This Mortal Coil - “Song To The Siren” ($AD)
Chicane - “Offshore” (Modena)
Awex - “360” (Plastic City)
Metro Dade - “Tainted Clubnight” (Music Man)
Mikerogenics - “Sctattenumund” (Global Ambition)
Do oing - “Good Feeling” (Braniak)
Isac Tomita - “The Planets” (RCA)
L.S.G. - “Netherworld” (Hooj)
George Alcosta - “Turn It Up DJ” (Strictly Rhythm)
Section X - “Atlantis” (Perfecto)
Millenium - “Radio Freedom” (Monster Sound)
Empizion - “B.E.T.A.” (XL)
Canny - “Take Me UP” (Write)
Disco Citizens - “Footprint” (acetate)
L.S.G. - “Hidden Sun Of Venus” (Platipus)
Cruzeman - “Ottm Sessions” (Quad)
Judicial Weight - “Whole Island” (Resolve)

By the time he was finished, he had delivered one of the sets of his life, all sparked by the comments of some gormless giraffe-looking moron on an internet message board. The download link plopped in Tongy’s inbox. Tongy loved it so much that he refrained from saying ’You’re listening to the Essential Mix’ over every single track, restricting himself to once every half an hour!

“This is so good, I’m going to recommend you to JB for a Cream residency! I know Oakey will be on board!” Tongy wrote through AOL Messenger, this being 1997.

Nick was so chuffed and confident in his abilities that he wasn’t even bothered now that Liverpool didn’t seem to have any proper restaurants. He would swerve the salt and pepper box that weekend and learned how to make a top-notch moussaka in the serviced apartment he had been put in near the docks.

ALL WAS WELL 8.5/10

    Absolutely sensational Dave!

    Post of the year so far!

    A proper gen lol!

    These made me lol -

    His profile picture appeared to show some kind of prematurely balding turtle in spazzy glasses with an ice cream t-shirt.

    Zola’s legs have gone and it’s time for Chelsea to get rid!

    03-02 Daft Punk and 03-16 DJ Sneak
    The problem with this sort of filter house is it gets samey and repetitive quite quickly over a 2 hour set. DJ Sneak does it slightly better IMO because he adds some latin flavours here and there. There’s no disputing he is the king of this subgenre really (8/10). Daft Punk add some annoying bounce in parts that even a scouse house DJ would probably cast off. Still, it won Essential Mix of the Year, so maybe I am missing something. 8/10 just to have Millsy absolutely FEWMIN.

      03-09 Ashley Beedle and 03-15 Seb Fontaine
      (At the time) Cream Resident and future Cream Resident. Ashley Beedle’s set (7/10) is the more interesting while Seb Fontaine knocked out a 3 hour live set here without pissing his pants so deserves credit for that (6.5 upgraded to 7/10).

      • Amps replied to this.

        Looking like a deflated airbag 3 months in.

        Bitten off more than you can handle.

        Bite the bulket and send an SOS to JohnnyYeah Dave, before it’s too late.

        I do wish Jonattan Yeah would come back, to be fair.

        I would absolutely LOVE Canles McJeggings to do a guest spot for April too.

        bosstrabs Zafferano: Bumped into one of Eternal. They were Littleman Sr’s, you know? KLANG!

        In 1997 they still would be Littleman’s Sr’s…

        I’d have given you an upvote for the amusing post otherwise, but that bit ruined the suspension of disbelief for me. Sorry.

        Cheers Hugo.

        Into the weeds we go!

        The Snr weeds too!

        Hugo has just PMd me, volunteering to do April and May.

        Who wants to see that?

        🖐️

          Imagine having to be bailed out by Hugo.

            Dave doing his usual ‘hold my beer’ and then fucking off out the tradesman’s. Tatters.

            Fair play for making it the whole way through the year to March, dave, before submitting double reviews, no tracklists and a writing tone that suggests you’ve completely lost the will to live. With only 9 of the 12 months of the year left to cover, this will end up a board classic.

            Dec 1 No idea who it was. Shite.
            Dec 8 Fucked if i know. Didn’t check. Don’t care.
            Dec 15 Fuck my life.
            Dec 23 I want to die…
            Dec 30 “anyone heard from dave?” The jonny yeah curse of the ess mix reviews strikes for a second time!

              -si- Dec 30 “anyone heard from dave?”

              LOL

              bosstrabs 02-23 Nick Rowan

              Gave this a spin, partly as the tracklist looked baffling.

              I thought the mix itself was as baffling as the tracklist suggested. All over the place with a lack of cohesion and a fair bit of guff. ‘Song to the Siren’ over ‘Offshore’ is a mess that does neither track justice. I thought my ears were playing tricks with me.

              bosstrabs Enough screen time! Nick went back to the Essential Mix he was also supposed to be delivering to Tongy that week, rage coursing through his veins. He cued up banger after banger, an eclectic set with focused mixing:

              I agree that it sounds like the mix of a man filled with rage, but more in a ’having a mental breakdown trying to complete a jigsaw and chucking the pieces across the room" kind of way. I think the relative quiet from Tong-y was less out of respect and more out of just wishing to stand back as Warren has his meltdown.

              It’s still not a complete failure, a mix which peaks with ‘Hidden Sun of Venus’ would struggle to be, but 8.5 seems generous.

              bosstrabs Cream Resident and future Cream Resident.

              Dunno that I ever caught Beedle when he was resident. What the fuck did he play? Rocky & Diesel esque garage?