Millsy - Brazil
“Gullit in a Gun” is the board equivalent of a Ronaldinho dribble. Recently bought a gravel bike he’s using to ride to Lidl, which is the behaviour of a favela-dweller.
Mad Cyril - Portugal
The foremost practitioner of the snide off-the ball. “I’d be buying some root vegetables for packing the Lycra first mate.” The victim is halfway home before they know they’ve been done.
sbando - Austria
Posts seventeen consecutive Transitions tracklists in forensic detail. Meticulously prepared like Austria, will probably beat someone very respectable. The dark horse.
SM001 - Spain
Just like the Spanish, harbours ancient grievances. Will spend the entire tournament exchanging incredulous looks with the fourth official about decisions from seventeen years ago. Could actually win the tournament. Bobby More Une Fois was borderline genius.
Along_the_Wire - Argentina
Called his wife a fucking cunt when she cancelled the Leo Sayer all-dayer, which is the behaviour of an Argentine defensive midfield hitman. Still capable of genuine class, but peaked a while ago. The glory days were real. The legs have gone but is that age or the half case of wine he drunk this morning?
mono-stereo - Netherlands
Posts a Findus fish finger image like a stoned Dutchman who’s on a giggling fit. Capable of both sublime brilliance and total structural collapse, and somehow always there or thereabouts. Total Football.
Smallman1 - Belgium
Like Belgian food, architecture and landscapes, actually very samey and quite boring. Has a breakfast meeting at 7am. The golden generation that assembled itself and achieved absolutely nothing. Can’t BizTrans himself out of over-reliance on route one certainties - Lukaku, ‘double nawty’, ‘sans cheese’. Out in the quarters after squashing some minnows.
hugopal - Switzerland
“Not trance, Dave.” Like Switzerland technically beyond reproach, structurally indestructible and will beat someone in the last 16 through sheer organisational discipline while everyone else has tuned out or changed channel. Exhaustingly correct.
alistair - Germany
Would rather attend a (National) Socialist Workers’ convention than watch Billy Bragg. Listens to Bryan Ferry and Robert Plant hour-long interviews. Organised, confident, direct, right-wing, predictable, boring and disliked.
Dutchy - Saudi Arabia
The poster most likely to criticise a woman’s driving (or make a sick joke about it). Will get an early, meaningless group stage win against someone massive and then spend years telling everyone about it, like his 50 quid ‘fucking stellar’ jetwasher.