You’ll always be a cabbage to me, Granto

For my 17th birthday, my parents surprised me with a car! They missed.

My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?

What do you call a Norwegian call girl?

A fjord escort.

Wait… I just realised… OLB is in the house?!

a month later

Two dyslexics in a kitchen, one say’s “Can you smell gas?”
The other replies “Doubt it mate. I can barely smell my own name!”

A woman is cheated on by her husband.

She’s devastated. She hears that there’s a wise monk who lives up in a mountain. She decides to consult him.

After a few days of travelling, she meets the wise monk. “I spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to taking care of him. And now he has left me for another woman. I don’t know what to do”.

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?“Yes”- she answers. “Do you want another one?” “Sure”.

The monk looks her in the eye and says “Do you see the problem now?”

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever. Everything is finite. We should be aware of this and not be disappointed ”.

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean stop eating biscuits you fat cunt

5 months later

Worzel Gummidge has been given a lifetime achievement award at the British Television Awards. Judges said he’d been outstanding in his field.

    6 days later

    Now that I’m a father I can get away with these… Just barely…

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A fsh.

    RIP the joke thread, she had a good innings.

    Partying wiv da angles now!

    I was standing next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway what a smug bastard…

    MAN: “Hello”…

    WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the gym”…?

    MAN: “Yes”…

    WOMAN: "I am at the trinity centre now and found this beautiful leather coat…

    It’ s only €1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much”…

    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2022 models. I saw one I really liked”…

    MAN: “How much”…?

    WOMAN: “€90,000”..

    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options”…

    WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking €950,000”…

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of & €900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand…

    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much”…

    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too”…

    The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…
    He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to”…?

    ScottBailey Worzel Gummidge has been given a lifetime achievement award at the British Television Awards. Judges said he’d been outstanding in his field.

    SB’s in the house!

        4 months later

        I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with the words ‘le monde’ carved in.

        It means the world to her.