Sounds like they’ve got your trousers down and trying to hit the prostate.
Alan Partridge-style pitch of TV vehicles for DJs
Probably not what you want to hear right now Ed, but if it’s a pipe leaking you’re better off sorting it out sooner rather than later.
We got a message from Affinity Water saying our bill had gone up significantly due to a massive increase in use over 6 months. We found a pipe was leaking (thankfully under the house) but it was literally pissing out water like a tap.
Thing us we could hear it at different times of the day but I assumed it was our water softener unit purging. We got the excess bills written off and were lucky it had happened under the house where it was doing no damage. Repairing walls / floorboards / ceilings and redecorating due to a leaking pipe left unchecked will end up a massive cost - not to mention absolute ball-ache to resolve
I bought a new build with some basic equipment - a kitchen set of cabinets and washing machine in other words. Was in my mid 20s and went in with not a lot. I was chasing an electric bill all the time I was there. Was told I’ll get one once they sort out the connections to the properties properly. 18 months later I’m still chasing the same company for a bill. Turns out they were charging my neighbour for my electricity - a fuck up in recording the meter IDs. Then they say they sorted it and billed me for a few thousand. I’m like, ’Fuck you, I’ve been trying to give you money for what I owe and you’ve been so shit about it you wouldn’t have known had I flagged the problem and continued overcharging some poor sod.'
They then said they’d give me a discount. Expletives followed. Ended up with them begging and no bill for the 18 months. Really took the piss.
Tall Paul’s Drag Race - Tall Paul Newman helicopter drops of a group of trannies in disparate locations around the UK (such as the middle of the Lake District, on the Norris Green housing estate in Liverpool and so on) with only an orienteering kit of compass, map and kendal mint cake for sustenance and they have to find their way to Trade (at a studio rebuild of Gurnmills) before 4am opening.
Seb Fontaine’s Embarassing Stains
Panel game show featuring host, Seb Fontaine, introducing several stain-based quiz rounds. Example: Items of clothing with various stains are examined and multiple choice answers suggested (e.g oil, bleach, piss).
Way out West with Way out West
Nick and Jody head across the Atlantic in a laser class with only a vinyl copy of Yeke Yeke and 7 metric tonnes of Mousakka for company. Hilarity ensues.
FUTURISM with Danny Tenaglia
Oh my God, It’s the D-TEN 3000!
A man-machine interface hybrid (like Robocop) goes spazmo dispensing his own brand of justice to people on dancefloors who commit minor infractions such as using their mobile phone.
presumably while riding a robo-horse?Hernan’s Choice Cuts
Fly-on-the-wall documentary set in the Buenos Aires branch of Super Cuts. Flamboyant lead-stylist, Hernan, is no stranger to extravagant bouffant creations and welcomes the chance to cut the locks of sevetal DJ luminaries including Guy J, John Digweed and James Zabiela, but not Sasha. Each episode lasts 6 hours.
Dear John Digweed. Sitcom about a nice guy DJ who’s wife leaves him for another DJ following a period of over 12m where he hid in the basement of his house and refused to come out until he’'d played all his vinyl + every Framewerk remix available.
Only Fools and Lawlers…
Stars five time DJ Awards winner DJ Steve Lawler as ambitious shoe saleman Steve “Steve” Lawler and Sander Klienenburg as his younger brother. The series follows the Lawlers’ highs and lows in life, in particular their attempts to get a mainline GU City series release.
Plankety Prog (Progressive House Themed Blankety Blank Reboot).
Hosted by Dave Seaman. Panelists include Nick Warren, Sasha, Lee Burridge, Paul Oakenfold, Joris Voorn etc.
“I wouldn’t say this DJ doesn’t shower often, but when he opens his legs, you can smell his [blank]. What have you got Nick?”
“It’s gotta be Paul’s cock, right?”
Dave Seaman “Gotta be, all day long”
Be your best ‘you’ - with Mr C
Subscribers-only podcast learning series featuring everyone’s favourite techno geezer frontman, Mr C!
C offers life coaching, DJ tutorials and acting classes live and online from his bedsit in Wigan. Courses start at the bargain price of £89.99 per 1 hour session and participants receive a signed poster of C and a replica of his bacofoil coat. Please note: all learning materials are copyright of ‘C Industries Inc’. No likenesses of C can or should be used without express permission by C himself and are under a license agreement starting at £99.99.
By reading this you now owe C £69.99. Please send immediately to his gofundme.
- Edited
GoggleCox
Watch Carl Cox watch whats on the Box….with GoggleCox! Roly-Poly gap-toothed DJ geezer Coxy gives his irreverent views of everything from police procedural dramas to Embarassing Bodies.
’CHRIST ALIVE! Ha ha! She’s got a fackin fanny like a ripped out fireplace! Ha ha! What’s she like?!'