Armin’s Van Bureau

Documenting the day to day activities of Armin’s white van empire.

Regular theme - Old Bill confiscating vehicles linked to murder inquiries.

Also regular cameos by builders called Darren

nly fls n hwtn

Richie Hawtin, Troy Pierce, Magda, Gaiser and Hearthrob drive around saarf London in a 3 wheeler, using their magical Cube to obtain abstract field recordings for their next ‘happening’.

Whilst dialogue is predictably mnml, hilarity ensues as the natives react unpredictability (and often violently) to our heroes über coolische hair, costumes and dj sets.

The Antiques Roid Show

David Morales arm wrestles pundits over the DJ Booth. With his top off.

One foot in the rave - old timer Runny Dumpling teams up for a dynamic duo with Danny Tenaglia where they talk about how good it used to BE in the old days.

Red Dwarf - a sunburnt Steve Lawler finds himself stuck on a spaceship in the middle of the known universe, desperately trying to peddle middle of the road tech house to an evolved cat, robot and hologram.

    BlainSA another lol! Love that one. Needs commissioning asap. Would watch

      From May to December
      Remake of the classic 80s sitcom with Derrick May reprising the lead role. Set in Pinner, London, this rousing coming of age comedy follows the same beat as the original with an ageing, widowed solicitor, May, entering a romance with a much younger woman with a particular fetishism for dungarees and striped jumper combos. Things take a turn for the worse when May sexual assaults her before burning her body and leaving her in a wheelie bin. The well known ‘September Song’ plays the end credits with a Latin afro beat remix to bring it bang up to date.

      Sneak Practice.
      Cosy Sunday night drama about a DJ who retrains as Dr in rural Derbyshire. Frequent beefs with other Drs at the medical centre means drama ensues.

      Norman Cook’s Dumper Truck

      Flowery-shirted superstar DJ Norman Cook returns home from a nights graft dropping breakbeat house bombs to the kids….

      Only to find rubber-faced human spitting image doll Zoe Balls ‘entertaining’ a different dance music legend each week.

      Theme for each episode is inspired by the guest star;

      We Continue - Feature length opening episode starring Pete Tong and a bag of blue pills.
      Fingered - starring Larry Heard.
      Relentless pounding - starringBen Klock.
      Drilled - starring Jeff Mills.
      Wasn’t me - starring Shaggy

      Whilst each guest is amusing themselves, Norman takes the opportunity to ‘delve deep into the box’ and explore their ‘secret weapons’.

      Show renamed ‘Norman Cook: Alpha Cuck’ for the Yankee frat boy market

      Oaky goes Croaky

      After a second Class A induced stroke in his Connaught Square mansion superstar DJ Paul Oakenfold loses the ability to speak and uses his now famous ‘headphones in front of mouth’ setup as a quasi Phantom of the Opera mask to hide his facial disfigurement.

      Participants are then invited to produce potential tracks for a host of his diffusion Perfecto labels from a range of colours exceeding those of Circulation’s first 2 albums.

      Mr. Oakenfold utilises a host of communication techniques learned from his time pioneering psy-trance on the Indian subcontinent ranging from Siddharta-esque expressionless Perfecto telepathy ©, to shaminstic Stamford bridge hand manoeuvres to convey his displeasure to the participants who are then eliminated consecutively by a panel of washed up 90’s sycophants including Grace, PPK, and Seb Fontaine.

      The winning entry forfeits all rights to their production and the renamed track is released as an official Oakenfold/ Osbourne production.