I’ve just found out I’m colour blind.

The news came completely out of the green!

Today I met the guy who invented the windowsill.

What a ledge!

This thread is going to need renaming after 3 posts lol

The inventor of Halls Soothers died, there’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

Was in a restaurant the other day and Liam Gallagher came over to take my order. I asked for the soup of the day. He asked “You want a roll with it?”.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Trisco Musak

I was walking around the supermarket the other day and I noticed that the ‘e’ on the Tesco sign had fallen apart a little.

Pan pipe moods was playing as I walked around the aisles.

Out for his morning run, Ed Smallman stumbles across a magic lamp. Back at his apartment, he removes his face mask, rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

“Oh thank you, one who has released me from the lamp. As a reward I will grant you three wishes!”

Over come with joy, Ed announces: “For my first wish, I wish me old mucka Loopy was here with me, right now.”

There is a flash of light, and suddenly Jay appears bouncing on a trampoline. He bounces high into the air, smashes his head on the ceiling, and a leak sprouts. Panic stricken, Ed shouts…

“For my second wish, I wish the leak in my ceiling was fixed!”

There is a flash of light, and the ceiling is completely repaired.

Calmed down, Ed reaches for something to mop is perspired brow, and finds his face mask. Smiling he says…

“I am sick and tired of having to wear these god damned face masks. Coved-19 has upended my entire life, as well as the lives of all of my common man. As a selfless Tory, I have decided to use my third wish to remove Covid-19 from the planet!”

The genie frowns and says: “Edward, I am sorry, but there are somethings that are beyond even my power. The size of the planet is too great, and the virus is too far spread. Not even I can grant such a wish. Please, think of something more reasonable, and it will be yours.”

Furrowing his brow, Ed announces “Fine. In that case, I am sick and tired of being rinsed on the board. Everyday I endure unending ridicule, and I want it to stop… With my third wish, I wish to have the best bantz in the universe!!!”

The genie’s gaze trails off for a second, finally he looks back at Ed and asks: “What was that wish about the virus again?”

    Who Wrote the Haunted House?

    Hugo First

    “Doctor, I think I’m a moth.”

    “It’s not a doctor you need, it’s a psychiatrist.”

    “I was on my way there when I saw your light on”

    I’ll stop there.

    What do you call a black guy who can fly a plane?

    A pilot you racist.

    Yo mamma so fat, the tag in her dress says “size: Rhouses”!

    My mum and dad were dwarfs.

    All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.